I'm gonna have a badass scar
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
