i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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