i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
