I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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