Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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