Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
