I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
