I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
