He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
