If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
