I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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