If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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