so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
