I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
