dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
