sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I think I just sharted jello shots
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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