Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
did i walk over a car last night?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
