next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
