I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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