At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
