sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
