Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
