I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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