Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Randomize
