Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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