***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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