Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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