laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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