hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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