my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
not ubering you a puppy
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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