fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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