dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Barsexuality is the new black.
my being single is dangerous.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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