So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
