barbara walters just said penis...
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
