I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
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