She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
