i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
All the doctor said was why
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
