he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
