god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
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