So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Randomize
