Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
