kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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