I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
