And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
