I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
