we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
