yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
