I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
