Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
