Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
