I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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