but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
