My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Drunk is not a location!
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
